When It's Not the Most Wonderful Time of the Year
Navigate holiday loneliness and expectations with comforting traditions, healthy boundaries, and permission to celebrate in ways that work for you.
Navigating Your Emotions During the Holidays
Throughout the holiday season, you are constantly told to be merry. Commercials show families in matching pajamas, music sings of coming home, and social media reminds you of every Friendsgiving happening in town. Though the holidays are a special, cozy time of year, what happens when your reality looks completely different? For many people, the holidays don’t always bring joy. Sometimes, they face a looming sense of loneliness, high family expectations, or depression.
When it seems like everyone around you is celebrating, feelings of loneliness and isolation can become even more overwhelming. But who says you have to stick to the norm? It's okay to create solo traditions without the stress of getting everything right. If old traditions no longer work for you or hurt too much to continue, you have full permission to stop forcing yourself into a mold that no longer fits. The holidays are the perfect time to build new traditions and activities despite what “traditional holiday happiness” is supposed to look like.
Redefining What “Tradition” Really Means
When we hear the word tradition, we usually picture legacy, rituals passed down through generations, such as recipes or gatherings. While picturing this, however, it is also vital to understand that tradition does not have to be old, expensive, or shared with other people. At its core, a tradition can be defined as a deliberate, repeatable act that brings you peace and comfort. It can be shared with a small group of people, or with just yourself. It does not need a decades-long history, and it also does not require anyone else's approval. Oftentimes, the hardest part about creating traditions is not about coming up with new activities; it is letting go of the guilt. It is easy to become accustomed to what your holiday season “should” look like. The events you should attend, how you should feel, who you should be around. If you're feeling torn between what society expects and what your spirit actually needs, think of this season as a series of permission slips. You don’t have to change your entire life; you just need to swap out the high-pressure expectations for choices that protect your well-being:
Traditional Expectation: Attending every gathering out of family obligation
Personal Permission Slip: Opting out gracefully, or setting a strict 1-hour time limit to protect your energy.
Traditional Expectation: Preparing or buying an elaborate holiday feast
Personal Permission Slip: Eating whatever brings you comfort with zero stress, even if it’s takeout or a warm bowl of soup.
Traditional Expectation: Forcing yourself to perform cheerfulness
Personal Permission Slip: Allowing yourself space to feel quiet, nostalgic, or grieved without trying to fix it.
Traditional Expectation: Spending beyond your budget on gifts
Personal Permission Slip: Opting for heartfelt notes, low-cost gestures, or skipping gift exchanges entirely.
Traditional Expectation: Consistently putting others' comfort ahead of your own
Personal Permission Slip: Prioritizing your mental wellness first, knowing that setting boundaries is a form of self-care.
As Alex Elle writes in her book, After the Rain: Gentle Reminders for Healing, Courage, and Self-Love, trusting yourself means no longer waiting for consensus or permission to live in alignment with what you need, and that includes how you spend the holidays. Creating new traditions is not about rejecting the past. It is about honoring the present version of yourself. Whether your holiday traditions consist of a quiet morning walk, binging holiday movies, or spending the day offline, remember that your peace is worth protecting.
If you find yourself with extra quiet time this season and want deeper inspiration on unlearning guilt, setting boundaries, or redefining rest, here are a few comforting books to add to your winter reading stack:
- After the Rain: Gentle Reminders for Healing, Courage, and Self-Love by Alex Elle — A heartwarming companion for learning to trust your intuition and build rituals centered around self-care.
- Rest Is Resistance: A Manifesto by Tricia Hersey — A powerful reminder that slowing down, sleeping in, and stepping off the treadmill of societal expectations is an essential act of self-preservation.
- The Art of Gathering: How We Meet and Why It Matters by Priya Parker — A thought-provoking read if you want to rethink how we gather and permit yourself to break away from "how it's always been done." At the end of the day, there is no single right way to navigate this time of year. Permit yourself to craft a season that feels warm, safe, and entirely your own
Also, It’s also worth remembering that you don’t have to navigate these complex feelings entirely on your own. If the holiday season triggers deep-seated family dynamics, unprocessed grief, or overwhelming anxiety, working with a therapist can be a powerful anchor. A therapist offers a neutral, compassionate space to help you unpack complicated emotions, practice setting boundaries without guilt, and process the weight of old traditions. Seeking professional support isn't a sign that you're failing at the holidays, it's a proactive, courageous act of self-preservation.
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